Over the last few months during my weight loss journey, one of the most important discoveries that I have made is that I… am defiant. See, two months ago if someone said that, I’d probably have responded with, ‘Dude, I am SO NOT defiant. I’m so compliant! I do whatever you want! I’m NOT defiant.’ But alas, I am. Let me tell you what, after realizing that about myself, I feel I have a responsibility to learn to live my life in a non-defiant way and its difficult at times!

Anyway, what does defiance have to do with weight loss? A lot, actually. From the beginning of my childhood and into my teenage years, I’d always admired celebrities and public figures. I’d always acknowledged that there’s a certain “requirement” to what society thinks is beautiful. Hollywood creates this feeling and it really does seem to be an effective way to control the masses and increase sales in diets and health foods and pills and the like. Millions of teenagers are influenced every hour by what the media portrays. Messages come across to them that you must be stick thin in order to be someone. From the outside, celebrities seem to be in a perpetual competition about who can be the skinniest; this sets the tone for the ‘normal’ people who would like to have the luxury of occasionally indulging in a Big Mac and Coke.

It seems like one of the most common things I’ve heard from teens about weight loss is that they want to look like [insert celebrity here]. And this is where my defiance sets in.

I don’t want to be “controlled” by an outside force. I don’t want to be told to have another person as my standard as to what I should look like. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be accepted no matter what size I am. I want all of these general good feelings from everyone else and in fact, I’m willing to be pretty harmful to my body by the food I choose to eat or the lack of exercising I choose to maintain. I’ll show them!

This was a typical conversation that went through my head for years and years. This kind of self-promotion talk felt good in the moment. It felt like I really knew who I was and what I wanted, and gosh darnit everyone else should just know as well and love me just the same! And if they don’t love me, they should! Everyone! It turns out that it was a pretty dishonest way for me to be going about my life.

So what happened? Why did I suddenly realize the value of eating and exercising? I’m glad you asked!

One day about 3 months ago, I was walking down a hill on a brisk morning. Strike that, I was running down the hill. I felt amazing. There was a split moment where I realized that I had been out of pop for a few days and considered re-routing myself to grab a 12-case of Diet Dr. Pepper. At that moment, I had a realization. It was the single most life-changing realization I’ve ever had. As I continued walking down the hill I said out loud, “I don’t need pop.” My world changed. I can’t even describe it to you except that I saw everything a little bit crisper, brisker, and fully at that moment than I ever had before. I kept walking and said, “I don’t need to eat unhealthy stuff,” and there was another shift for me. This life-changing moment was so tiny, nearly unnoticeable, but it happened. From that point forward I have given up pop and started my healthy lifestyle.

The most amazing thing about this realization was that my decision had nothing to do with how over weight I was. It had nothing to do with defiance. It had nothing to do with celebrities. It had nothing to do with this idea of who I thought I should be. The realization pointed me towards an amazing concept. The concept of releasing something that I thought I had previously needed in order to define myself. I literally was known as the Diet Dr. Pepper girl in some of my friend-circles. The amazing part is that by having this realization I suddenly gave myself a type of forward momentum that I’ve never felt before. There was no negative feelings of “I must shed pounds now!” or “I’m not as tiny as [insert celebrity name here],” just a beautiful understanding of my needs at that moment.

I think that it’s important to really understand your struggle with weight, if you do struggle. Why are you struggling? Is it because “everyone” looks like that? Is it because everyone has an expectation of you that you don’t want to meet? Is it because you lack the ability to say no to yummy foods? Is it because you sit and chat on your computer during all of your spare time and never get out to get some real exercise? Why is it a struggle? Is it possible for it to be a goal for you but to not struggle through it?

That’s where I am at now, to be honest. I have a goal. I want to weigh 140 pounds in 13 months from now. I think I can do it in 10 months. Currently, I weigh 228 pounds with a BMI (Body Mass Index) rate of 40.1. According to the information that I read at http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/, a healthy BMI rate is anything in the range of 18.5 to 24.9. So… not too far to go, eh? Speaking of BMI, I thought it was cool to find out that Kristin’s BMI is 19.7 and Kendra’s BMI is 19.2.

My goal is to continue my newfound lifestyle and make every decision carefully and consciously, forever. My decision and choices aren’t a struggle to me. There’s no downside if it doesn’t happen the way I plan it. There’s no punishments if I don’t make my weekly goal weight. There’s only an understanding that I care about my body and what I’m doing with it. I don’t compare myself to anyone else. I only compare my results this week with my results last week and try to analyze why the results were the way the were.

One of the things that’s helped for me is to keep a food log. I am doing this every day and sending it in to a friend of mine to reveal what I eat to another person. This helps me to stay honest with myself when I’m choosing the foods I do choose. It gives me a great system of growth and achievement. YAY SELF-ESTEEM!

One of the most important things, at least in my experience, is to fully know the reasons why I am doing what I do and if those reasons will ultimately be good for me, my world and the world around me. By concerning myself with others (i.e. comparing myself to celebrities rather than against my own results) it is only helping to set those “standards” that Hollywood wants to keep around. Here’s a secret… the standards aren’t actually set by Hollywood. They’re set by you all. In my experience (limited though it may be), teens and adults alike make judgements about themselves compared to others and that allows for a direct way for Hollywood to influence the world. So knowing that, I choose to ask myself, “Self? Is that something you really want to be apart of?” I’d rather influence my own world with the encouragement of others.

Having said that, I wanted to post a little ‘thank you’ to those who have helped me in the last few months. I’ve had amazing food training with a couple of my food guru friends. I’ve got one of the most pleasant and encouraging personal trainers I’ve ever had, and once-a-month check-ins of physical training measurement with someone whom I value greatly when it comes to exercise. All of my friends are generally very supportive and conscious of my choices, even if they are making other choices. I truly appreciate everyone’s participation with my journey and can’t wait to see the end-goal come to fruition. I have 83 more pounds to loose in about 10 months. Let’s experience it together here in this blog!

Next week’s goals for me are to loose 2 pounds and to get my measurements done. I’ll check in on Friday to update you all if not before then. Keep commenting! It’s so encouraging and wonderful to put out there the struggles you’re going through. If you want to do a diet but aren’t sure, you’re welcomed to post here and ask questions. I can only share with you my personal (uncertified) experience and give you resources to find information out for yourself. We’re all different, after all. Just… please… keep in mind that I’m not in any way qualified to give actual fitness or nutrition advice. But I do care about you all and the choices you make and don’t mind offering my own opinion to help you research your questions or point you in some helpful direction.

Until next time!