Boa tarde, GbD!

Not long ago I read this amazing book called “Call Me Hope“, about this sweet little girl who lives with her verbally abusive mother.

Now I hope that none of you had to go through the same situation as Hope, but I am willing to bet you have all been talked down to at least once in your life. Is it ever okay to belittle someone, or to make them feel like they’re lesser beings? Is it okay as long as you don’t overdo it? When do you draw a line?

I felt compelled to e-mail the author, Gretchen Olson, to let her know how the book touched me, and how much I empathized with Hope, and rooted for her. Now the lovely Mrs. Olson was kind enough to get back to me and tell me a bit more about how she came to write that book, and when I told her I was going to feature her book here, she said she’d be happy to contribute – how awesome is that?!

GbD, meet Gretchen Olson!:

Thank you, Marianne, for inviting me to share your Mursday blog with thoughts about Call Me Hope and verbal abuse.

Call Me Hope is my creative expression of a difficult time in my life – coming to terms with a verbally abusive relationship. As I researched and wrote I began to understand the insidious nature of this highly damaging behavior. Call Me Hope was published so others, especially very young children, might see that “stupid idiot,” “dumb shit,” and “worthless loser,” are only the tip of the verbal abuse iceberg.

Below that tip is a more subtle, less obvious form of verbal abuse: “Why did you do it that way?” “What were you thinking?” “When will you ever learn?” No raised voice, no waving hands, no crashing chairs. It’s the words and the tone of voice suggesting we are stupid, stupid, stupid. After a while we believe we are stupid and, like a drippy faucet, it begins to wear on us, taking a toll, causing mental and physical harm, killing our spirit, ruining our self-esteem, crushing our self-confidence.

Verbal abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse. There’s nothing to show for cruel words – no bruises, black eyes, broken arms. Teachers have said they can spot verbally abused children the first day of school. How sad to begin life thinking you are a failure.

Verbal abuse not only creates a sense of worthlessness, it also serves up a heaping portion of guilt; the victim believes she is responsible for anything bad happening in her life and with any relationship.

Patricia Evans, author or The Verbally Abusive Relationship and other excellent books on verbal abuse, defines it as “crazymaking.” She is right on. There is nothing more confusing and crazymaking than someone who supposedly loves and cares for us saying cruel and heartless things.

I have had amazing feedback from Call Me Hope readers. A young student whispered to me at a school visit, “I’m Hope, and my Mom is Hope’s mother – she does drugs.” A college student shared that her mother told her as a little girl, “You are so ugly I don’t want anyone to know you’re my child,” and the girl had to walk several paces behind her mother.

Middle-aged readers say Call Me Hope finally validates their verbally abusive childhood and subsequent difficult life. “There were only ‘happy family books’ when I was a girl,” one woman said.

I also want to mention “The Hands & Words Are Not For Hurting Project.” I came across this non-profit organization while researching verbal abuse. I was extremely impressed with its simple message and fantastic results. The program is for all ages, beginning with baby certificates at birthing centers. It’s based on a 14-word pledge: “I will not use my hands or my words for hurting myself or others.” Participants also trace their own hand onto purple paper (the program’s official color honoring victims of violence) and post it somewhere visible as a constant reminder of their promise. Schools across the United States and in some fifteen foreign countries have adopted the program, making their schools safer while earning public recognition and national awards. The Hands Project also partners perfectly with all types of abuse intervention and prevention programs. Some teenagers taking the pledge have come forward asking for help, saying the pledge stopped them from committing suicide.

I am now on the Hands Project board of directors and work locally to promote it in schools and communities.

My very best wishes to you for a strong, courageous, and compassionate life filled with joy and HOPE! You are valuable, irreplaceable human beings!

Take Good Care, Gretchen Olson

Thanks, Gretchen!!

Since our beloved Kathy is going through some internet withdrawal thingy, I no longer have to do a long[er] a** post about both the book, and the Hands project! So I will be posting about that later on today! What a treat for all of you, 2 Mursdays in 1! I keed I keed.

Laters!